From 37°C to 900°C
As I was laid down on the cardboard box, I felt my sense of hearing and touch peak. There were sounds of people wailing, screaming and crying their lungs out. I could hear the sounds of metal clanging and fire burning. And I know, very soon, the heat is going to take over my thoughts, feelings and touch…
Loneliness
I looked around in the sparse white room, watching the shadows move across the room as they gradually melt into the darkness. I stared up at the lamp, willing my body to move towards the switch and bring some brightness into my room again. My body refused to listen to my instructions, it refused to budge. I could only wait for someone to notice my presence and turn on the light for me.
I moved my fingers to the mobile phone near me. At first dialing those numbers I was familiar with, but all I heard were dial tones.
It was nothing but dial tones.
I kept scrolling down the list, dialing every number or name I recognized. No one picked up my call. Not even Mom.
I blinked hard, willing the tears of surrender to go back. The pounding ache in my head refused to go away, I squinted my eyes trying to force the pain out of my head. I wish the pain was at my legs, not my head…
Sadness
“When you’re done, come to the kitchen alright?”
He was not the kind to chit-chat to me about mundane matters; I could tell something was wrong.
He stared at the newspapers, wordless, while I sat there unable to start a conversation with him. He had never been kind with words; he always scolded me whenever he could. But this time, he dropped the papers, and brought his hands to his face, trying to hide his tears that were threatening to spill out of his eyes.
It was some ego thing I suppose? Men should only show their masculinity, and never their soft side. But for the first time, I saw my dad cry.
“I didn’t know it was so serious! You know I didn’t mean those things that I scolded you right? I didn’t know it’ll affect you so bad. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“I’ll let her go. What if she commits suicide or goes crazy? You know I love you right? Your mom knows I love her right? Right?”
I did not know what to say. I could only watch my father cry. Words of reassurance like “all will be fine”, “mom would not leave you”, “mom still loves you” and “we’ll be there for you” are just empty promises. It was too late. Chances were given, warning signs were not heeded.
With those questions in his mind, he left the room in tears. He spent his lifetime slogging, not planning and taking everything for granted. His complacence shot him back. He lost all he had, except for those burning tears in his eyes…
Regret
As I stand before the tombstone, my mom’s picture glared back at me. I could feel her accusation and disappointment drowning the protests in my mind. I lowered my head and felt blood rush to my face.
“I’m busy, mom!”
“But it’s been ages since we last…”
“Mom!!! Can’t you see that I’m busy?!”
Mom’s following words were blocked out after that.
“Your mom’s been admitted to the hospital again.”
“Again?! This is like the 4th time! I’ll go visit her when I’m less busy! I don’t have the time now.”
Thoughts of “if only” and “what if” overtook my mind. It was full of contradicting thoughts; I did not want to succumb to this burning in my throat. Why did I not just say those simple words? Was “sorry”, “I love you” and “thank you” that difficult?
The air was thick with emotions. There was regret, sadness and loneliness. In contrast, there was also indifference and impatience, with a tinge of greed mixed in between, though slight, but it was there.
I had felt them all. I had drowned in tears, I had given up and let go. I expressed gratitude, and I had beautiful times.
I could feel myself being slid towards the blazing heat, so hot I could hear it. The cracking flames took part in this competition of emotions that were racing to overtake each other. All sounds were soon lost. As I moved nearer and nearer to the beckoning warmth, I bid a silent farewell to the saturated emotions in the air.
I did not have the chance to flinch from the heat; neither did I have the chance to scream at the hotness of the flames and shout “that’s hot!” No one could have heard me anyway.
The fiery flames were searing into my toes, and slowly my body, as I was being pushed towards the burning furnace. Cells and tissues that made up my body are broken apart. The sweltering heat took over my mind.
Soon, what was left of me were grey specks of ashes and dust. As the wind picked up from the fire, it picked me up and sent me flying away into the wind. It blew me far from the unfeeling flames and furnace, far from the cake of emotions that were already dissipating before the wind picked up.
posted by starfish story at 3:49:00 am
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